5-23-12

I just wrote a long page of the thing(s) that piss me off and how mad I am and just pure venting.It helped a little but I still want to punch a fucking wall and break shit but I will leave that for another day.

5-20-12

I want to die so bad, and not for any apparent reason.I’m just really tired of living, my father started getting drunk again, my life sucks tremendously, and my mother ignores anything I say about me being depressed.Thanks for ignoring my problems mom.

Not much is holding me back from cutting my wrist or jumping in front of a car.

I don’t want to live anymore. 

Heck maybe I will kill myself today or later this week.

5-12-12

I WANT TO DIE, GOD WHY DO YOU OUT ME THROUGH THIS SHIT.

I have been depressed for weeks and all I can think about is ways to kill myself. Sometimes I hope I run into a cereal killer and that they put me out of my misery. I doing shitty in school and the whole time I am in school I have major moody swings. One minute I’m happy then next I’m sad , then I’m mad then I get super depressed and I’m looking for something I can hurt myself with.In class Friday I was trying to cut arm with a pencil.It didn’t work obviously.

Then I’m trying to find a way to tell my mother that I have cuts on my body because I know she will find out eventually because I am due for a Physical and that Doctor Patient Confidentiality doesn’t count for shit.Then when I try to tell her that I’m depressed she thinks I’m lying I feel like showing her my arm and yelling “AM I KIDDING NOW BITCH.” I really don’t understand why she thinks I would lie about that.

So all is good with R.H formerly known as S.J. But I hit him a lot I really don’t like that I do but I was raised in a violent environment and I guess its coming out. He’s super nice and I really like him and I hope that I stop being a violent bitch. Also I would feel bad if I was going out with him then I killed myself, that sucks really bad for your girlfriend to kill herself, they’d probably blame them self for the rest of their life.He makes me happy but one good thing in life is not gunna make the rest of my crappy life any better. My father is sickly and seems like he might be on deaths road and even though he treated me like shit most of my life when he was drunk and I can’t not love him, hes my father through thick and thin.Then I am doing poorly in school.I have no motivation to do anything.I don’t even enjoy being on the computer as much as I used to.I want to die almost ever second of the day and I constantly think everyone hates me and I think it might be true.Well according to the voice in my head, that constantly puts me down.

I’ve been wanting to cut really bad but I have been stopping myself because I don’t want to be left with anymore scars. Every time I look in the mirror and I see the scars on my body it reminds me of how much I hate myself.

I’m not going to re-read this because I’m being a lazy fuck so if something is spelt wrong or if there are many grammatical errors don’t judge.

4-19-12/4-20-12

4-19-12

Don’t remember much so I’ll just write the important parts.

So today was the day I was suppose to get my surprise from S.J and I had been thinking about it all week.So at lunch time S.J pulled me into a …corner/alley way thing , not as creepy as it sounds.I was being super awkward and then he decided to give me my surprise and I totally loved it.It was a drawing of me and he had wrote what he liked about me and at the end it said “I would like to be able to call you my girlfriend.Will you be my girlfriend” and I said yes.Then we stood there awkwardly.Then I kept pacing around and like a dick I said “What now” then he was like “I really want to…” So I used my “female empowerment” and I leaned up and kissed him.Then I was just jumping around.It was good though because I wasn’t freaking out and I was really mellow.

So when we were going up from lunch I used my “female empowerment” again and grabbed his hand and everyone was clapping and screaming and our hands were really sweaty lol.

Then we were suppose to meet up after school and Tay,Mex and I looked everywhere for him for about an hour.Never found him.So I went home and told my mom.She kept smiling and I asked her if she was mad and she said no so I was happy.

Then me and Tay went to Caro’s house but she wasn’t there so we left a note.

And Caroline didn’t come to school today so I was pretty lonely.

Times we kissed today: 1

4-20-12

So today Caroline came to school,supper happy.Then after Chemistry I saw S.J and  Tay said that we should kiss so we did.Then Caro didn’t see so we did it again, just for her.Then we meet again later at lunch were he awkwardly sat at my table and he did a hand shake with Manwhore.Super awkward.Then I told him he could leave because he was totally unamused.

So I went outside after eating and I was leaning on a rail and he came and leaned on top of me.Then I was being really awkward again and we sat together on the fake grass and I did everything I could to stop Mex from leaving.Then  before we went back into the building me and S.J kissed again and I got giggly and was just hugging him.Then I left him and went back into the building to be with Caro and Tay.

We all meet up after school and went to my job to pick up my check and we were there forever but they had free food so thats good.Then I got a phone call from my mom saying my dad had to be put into surgery and that they had to cut him open and I started tearing up.Then I had to pass out certificates and checks and I was able.

I’m tied of writing already -__-

Okay then the long walk home and Caro left first and S.J, Tay  and I were across the street from my building and Tay wanted us to make out and I guess he didn’t remember that I said I didn’t want to do something like that around where I live .So I decided to leave and I gave S.J and kiss before leaving.Then when I crossed the street I see my mom and my sister and I just freeze.But thank god she didn’t see.

Afterwards I went to the hospital and then back home.

Times we kissed today:4

This post was poorly written but w.e

4-19-12/4-20-12

4-19-12

Don’t remember much so I’ll just write the important parts.

So today was the day I was suppose to get my surprise from S.J and I had been thinking about it all week.So at lunch time S.J pulled me into a …corner/alley way thing , not as creepy as it sounds.I was being super awkward and then he decided to give me my surprise and I totally loved it.It was a drawing of me and he had wrote what he liked about me and at the end it said “I would like to be able to call you my girlfriend.Will you be my girlfriend” and I said yes.Then we stood there awkwardly.Then I kept pacing around and like a dick I said “What now” then he was like “I really want to…” So I used my “female empowerment” and I leaned up and kissed him.Then I was just jumping around.It was good though because I wasn’t freaking out and I was really mellow.

So when we were going up from lunch I used my “female empowerment” again and grabbed his hand and everyone was clapping and screaming and our hands were really sweaty lol.

Then we were suppose to meet up after school and Tay,Mex and I looked everywhere for him for about an hour.Never found him.So I went home and told my mom.She kept smiling and I asked her if she was mad and she said no so I was happy.

Then me and Tay went to Caro’s house but she wasn’t there so we left a note.

And Caroline didn’t come to school today so I was pretty lonely.

Times we kissed today: 1

4-20-12

So today Caroline came to school,supper happy.Then after Chemistry I saw S.J and  Tay said that we should kiss so we did.Then Caro didn’t see so we did it again, just for her.Then we meet again later at lunch were he awkwardly sat at my table and he did a hand shake with Manwhore.Super awkward.Then I told him he could leave because he was totally unamused.

So I went outside after eating and I was leaning on a rail and he came and leaned on top of me.Then I was being really awkward again and we sat together on the fake grass and I did everything I could to stop Mex from leaving.Then  before we went back into the building me and S.J kissed again and I got giggly and was just hugging him.Then I left him and went back into the building to be with Caro and Tay.

We all meet up after school and went to my job to pick up my check and we were there forever but they had free food so thats good.Then I got a phone call from my mom saying my dad had to be put into surgery and that they had to cut him open and I started tearing up.Then I had to pass out certificates and checks and I was able.

I’m tied of writing already -__-

Okay then the long walk home and Caro left first and S.J, Tay  and I were across the street from my building and Tay wanted us to make out and I guess he didn’t remember that I said I didn’t want to do something like that around where I live .So I decided to leave and I gave S.J and kiss before leaving.Then when I crossed the street I see my mom and my sister and I just freeze.But thank god she didn’t see.

Afterwards I went to the hospital and then back home.

Times we kissed today:4

This post was poorly written but w.e

4-11-12

So today I went out with Tay,Caro, and S.J was supper nervous and I felt really ugly today.My hair was a mess and I hated how my new earring looked on me.I thought S.J looked good today.

Lol I kept hugging him.

Just hung out and I felt really weird around him but he was much more awkward then me.Tay and Caro wanted us to kiss and when we where in Mc Donald he was telling me that Tay wanted him to kiss me and that he thought I was going to punch him and right when I was going to say I’m wouldn’t punch him some bum interrupted me to ask for money and S.J gave him a dollar and twenty-five cents.

Should just call that guy the “Cock-blocking bum.”

I wouldn’t have hit him if he kissed me and I kinda wanted to . I kept laughing a lot.And we talked to each other about how nervous we were lol.Super nervous all day.I love Caro and Tay for hanging out with me but they weren’t low when they kept leaving us. And I glad that because of me Caro woke up,took a bath,got dressed,talked to her moms boyfriend, and walked to 167 for me :D. Love yo boo boo.I would have given you all the PDA you wanted lol but yeah I was too nervous.And thank you Tay for medaling :) Love you Tay Tay. 

And OMG I kept licking my lips cause I kept thinking we were going to kiss and I didn’t want my lips to be super chapped. 

Damn I really was hugging him a lot.I’m a whore!!!!!!!!!

We got to take pics together but I probably ruined those pictures.

Shit.

I’m still a little nervous.

I kept thinking in my head “Any minute he’s going to look at me and say ‘I like her,why,bitch making me walk all around the place,shit ,fuck this I wanna go home and sleep,bitch making me wake up early’ “

The last part is what Caro was thinking lol.Sorry for making you wake up early.

Well this post is just rambling.

I have a double nail and it hurts like a bitch :(

Now I’m going to stay on Facebook and wait for Tay and Caro come on so I can talk to them.And laugh about how Tay probably calling S.J a pussy the whole ride together.

4-7-12

Well,today I told S.J that I liked him back.I was nervous,eating paper,jumping around and cursing my dog out. Safe to say that I’m nervous.We also planned to go to the Zoo together. My heart is beating really fast.Then my allergies are acting up and when I blew my nose my nose ring stabbed me and my nose started bleeding but a lot more than usual.

Wow I will probably act like a nervous idiot on Wednesday.And I’m waiting for Caro to come home so that I can talk to her but she’s at work so I have to wait a few more minutes.

Fuck!!!!LOL Im am so nervous right now :D :D XD :O >:O :) 

4-6-12

Today was the best birthday ever.

Nough said.

Love you Tay and Caro.

Also talking to S.J :) 

4-5-12

This day started of as the best day ever and as soon as I got home my mom just made me feel like shit.

So today started of good they told me that I’m now able to go on the college trip with Caro and Tay and I am soooooo fucking happy and I get to go to Niagra Falls.I couldn’t even contain my happiness.So this all happened in Mr.Buie’s room and there was this Astro Boy thing and I was like “You have an Astro Boy book” and he said it was some card things and that I could have it if I want.I like free things and anime so yeah I was supper hype, I grabbed it supper fast and said thank you like a million times.

Then in Chemistry Man whore was annoying the shit out of me but haaay I’m going on the college trip I ain’t gunna let your shit bring me down.Then I was talking to S.J and Immigrant through my classroom door with Caro and it was really funny and I was hiding in the corner of the door so that S.J couldn’t really see me.Yeah I was being awkward.

Then I was walking down the stairs with Caro and Mex and then Immigrant was below us and he was like “My friend had a crush on you”.I didn’t hear him at first and then he said it again and Mex starts bugging ode and was like “WHAT OMG WHO OMG TELL ME ,TELL ME” Its funny how she cared about it waaaay more than I did I wanted to know but I wasn’t going to go crazy over it.And I walked away because I get really nervous and I didn’t want to know.

I did but I could wait.

So then I was walking with Caro and Mex comes ode hype like “omg, omg, omg.” Then she was saying something but I wasn’t really listening,I felt like saying “Bitch its about me why are you more hype then me,calm the fuck down?!?”Then in math,I told her to tell me what he said,even though I had a pretty good idea.Then she told me and even though I knew what was coming I couldn’t help smiling like a fucking idiot and I couldn’t stop and my face was hot and well shit I was happy.Its not everyday you find out the boy you have a crush on likes you.

Then me and Mex was talking about it and then I was like freaking out like “I don’t know ,omg leave me alone.” The Teddy Bear comes out of no where and was like S.J is a good guy and then he started teasing me and I like”How do you know?!” 

He said that he knew from the begging and that S.J told his friends that her name has 7 letters and the first letter is from M-Z and that he knew right away.Then I started blushing alot!!!

At lunch I went outside and I didn’t see him so yeah -sad face-.The Immigrant came and started walking towards Tay,Caro and myself and I ran away cause he likes to chase me and I get scared when chased.So I hid behind a corner and when I look he’s sitting in my chair talking to Tay and Caro.So I sneak behind him and he was saying(well what I caught)”Yeah she needs to go to my man S.J and talk to him”Some shit like that its kinda hard to understand him and his heavy accent.Then while he was talking I smacked the shit out of his neck.Was really funny lol.Then he was going to go get S.J but he never came back I was sad but relieved at the same time.

So then when I went up from lunch I was standing in front of my next class and guess who was in the class across from that.Well yup it was S.J.So then …I think it was Tay and he was dragging me towards the door but yeah I am a super nervous human being and stuff so I was like trying to stay against the wall.So he comes out and looks at me and says “oh,right” kicks me and walks away.I tried to hit him back but he was to far and I’m lazy.

Then after English I was standing across the hall from the French room with Tay and Caro and then Immigrant comes and Tay was like what happened.Then he leaves, comes back a second later and comes back with S.J and like pushed him near me.I was being awkward and was like hey.Then I was quiet and I was like “heeeeeey I have French and thats my teacher” and I walked into the class all awkward then I see Tay and Caro going after him and then I poke my head out the door and they like have him surrounded and are like questioning him and I see a Dean and then I told him to go tell them to go to class because there being losers.Then they come back and yeah start telling me stuff and that he might go to Woodycrest.

After school,wasn’t there.I was kinda of sad because that meant I wouldn’t see him for two weeks. :( 

The I got to hangout with Tay and Caro for our friend date.It was fun because I got to be with my good friends.I love them :).Then me and Caro got to go on the new electric bus it was really cool.Then when I got off the bus there was a little girl in a stroller and she was grilling me and I was just trying to avoid eye contact.The awkward moment when a little girl in a stroller intimidates you.

Got home and I tell my mom “This was like the best day ever I loved it.” You think she would ask me why but she didn’t.Then I tell her about the plan to go to Caro’s house for my birthday tomorrow to watch movie and hang out and she gives me a whole lecture of how she doesn’t want me to go and not why she doesn’t want me to go.Like I really felt like crying because she says I do a lot of things that my sisters didn’t. She meant me hanging out with friends. -___- Really mom,really.

So yeah she caves in and said I can go but only to watch one movie.Now I’m not talking to her cause she made me feel like pure shit and I really wanted to tell her about my day and how I’m going to the trip now and how the boy I like likes me back and shit but what fucking ever!I think shes going through medopause or something.

Still had a pretty good day.UNTILL MY MOM FUCKING RUINED IT!!!!!!!!!!!